There is nothing more frustrating than feeling misunderstood or unheard. It seems obvious to us, but when we express ourselves to others, it's like they're not even trying to get it. Communication can make or break a relationship. Effective communication can strengthen a relationship and deepen the connection. Ineffective communication can build resentment, increase conflict, and widen emotional distance. This blog will highlight strategies for improving communication skills that can lead to a more fulfilling relationship. Don't consider these strategies exclusive to only romantic relationships. Explore how you can integrate these tips into all your relationships for a greater sense of belonging.
Understanding the Communication Process
Communication is a process. When people think of improving or having good communication skills, they often refer to what is being verbally expressed. Communication, however, is much more than that. Communication starts with a thought or emotion that is internally encoded. Encoding is the process of identifying how a message will be delivered. We deliver messages through words, body language, tone, volume, facial expressions, and so forth. As the message is delivered, the other person then receives the message. This person then has to decode or interpret the message. Once that has been accomplished, feedback will be given back to the sender of the message. Simple enough, right? What may appear to be a simple process often becomes a source of pain that leads to conflict when there is a disconnect between what is being communicated and what is being heard. Miscommunication usually shifts the topic at hand, causing more confusion about what is actually being discussed.
Tips for Improving Communication Skills
Improving the Process
Encode
Self-Reflect: You must know yourself before you can teach others who you are. Spending time regularly reflecting will give you a better understanding of your inner dialogue and how that becomes influenced by external factors.
Have a Self-Care Routine: When we spend time regularly tending to our needs, it becomes easier to express ourselves to others without passing the responsibility onto others to validate us. While we may desire a specific outcome from others, when we have learned to take care of ourselves, we can be confident that we can manage the disappointment that comes should we not get the preferred reaction.
Delivery
Don't Sacrifice Efficiency for Expression: Free expression is great, but not if it becomes a barrier to understanding your message. The goal of communication is to be understood. For this to be accomplished, there needs to be consideration of how the person receiving the message needs to hear it in conjunction with your desire of how you want to say it.
Use I-Statements: "I feel (insert emotion) when (insert behavior/situation) occurs. I-Statements inform others about you without blaming. For example, "I feel scared when yelling occurs." When communicating our experiences and expectations, we should talk about ourselves. When we speak about others, it reflects that we want to share information about them. For example, "When you start yelling, I get scared." Naturally, a person will want to defend the misperception of themselves if they disagree, which steers the conversation away from your experience and ultimately away from the intended message you were trying to deliver. I-Statements may sound simple, but they can be challenging to apply. Communication requires vulnerability. We are often tempted to stay on the surface to manage risks.
Receive
Active Listening: Listening intently is an integral part to making sure we are hearing the intended message. This requires posturing ourselves to receive the information coming in. This may include eye contact, leaning our body forward, nodding our head, pausing all other interactions, and so forth.
Listen to Understand: It can be tempting to listen to respond, especially if something is said that is activating. However, to understand the true message being sent, there must be a focus on listening to understand the other person. It can be helpful to remind yourself that you will have an opportunity later to be understood. If you become too activated, pause the conversation to regulate and return.
Decode
Ask Clarifying Questions: Clarifying questions are crucial to getting all the information necessary for feedback. When we don't have all the information, our brains will fill in the gaps. The assumptions made in our effort to fill in the gaps lead to miscommunication that can be damaging. Here are some examples of clarifying questions:
What are the most important points you want me to take away?
Can you tell what you meant by ________?
What would you like me to do with the information you shared?
Can you elaborate on ________?
Be Curious: Be curious about the new information you just received. Notice how your body responds to the new information and its influence on decoding. Continue to reassure yourself that being understood is just as important as understanding. If possible, allow yourself to focus on understanding others. If it is impossible, give yourself permission to pause the conversation to tend to yourself.
Feedback
Give Feedback: Provide feedback on your understanding of what the other person is communicating and ask if you are correct or what you missed. Avoid providing feedback to prove how the person is wrong. A person cannot be mistaken in their experiences, even if their delivery was slightly off. Addressing the new issue can be done in a new topic once the current one is complete.
Be Kind: Communication can be a vulnerable process for all involved. Be kind to yourself and others. Using kind language can help nurture a safe environment necessary for staying engaged.
Communication for Connection
Know the Topic Being Discussed: It is easy to think we are on the same topic when we focus on what is being said on the surface. However, in actuality, you may find there are two topics being addressed simultaneously when you look deeper.
Talk Regularly: Build a routine around talking to ensure communication isn't only connected with "being in trouble."
Talk About Yourself: Relationships can often become so routine that we only share events, not experiences. Conversations are opportunities to learn about others and teach others who you are.
Address Conflict Quickly: Don't let things fester. Often, when we suppress our emotions from others, we also suppress them from ourselves. Even if we identify that it's not the right time to talk to others, we still need to internally address the conflict to keep our peace.
Consider Time, Person, & Environment: Make sure when initiating a conversation that it is the right time, person, and environment to have a meaningful, productive discussion.
Final Thoughts
Communication can be challenging, but overcoming the challenges can help us feel more connected. Our familiarity with a person can lead us to believe that we already know information, which becomes a barrier to maintaining open communication. We must frequently recognize our assumptions to encourage effective communication and deeper connection. Try these new strategies to deepen your connections. Seek out a therapist for additional support.
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