Is It a Bad Habit or Something More? Understanding Why You Self-Sabotage Connection

You want to be known. You want to be understood and accepted for who you are, without judgment. Yet, you may find yourself holding back, withdrawing, and isolating. You tell yourself you’re just "taking time for yourself," that you're "too busy," or that you're "just tired." These can all be true, but when they become a consistent pattern, they are a form of self-sabotage. 

This is the painful paradox of self-sabotage: out of a deep-seated fear of a negative outcome, we guarantee that the positive outcome we desire will never happen. By not putting our real selves out there, we have already decided that we won’t be known, understood, or accepted. We are not making ourselves available to opportunities for genuine connection to occur. We are, in a sense, hiding from the very thing we desire. 

The Risk of True Connection 

True connection is a risk. It requires us to come out of hiding and be intentional and thoughtful about who we share ourselves with. We must then take the leap to actually share. If we want to be seen, we have to make ourselves visible. If we want to be understood, we have to teach people who we are. 

This doesn't mean every interaction will be perfect. People will not always give us the response we expect, and we may inevitably experience hurt and disappointment. But a powerful form of confidence is built when we can believe that others have good intentions for us, even when they inadvertently cause us pain. This is a difficult but vital part of vulnerability—recognizing that emotional investment makes us more susceptible to hurt, and that’s a normal part of the human experience. 

Building Confidence to Risk Connection 

The key to breaking this pattern of self-sabotage isn’t to force yourself to be an open book to everyone. It’s to build genuine confidence in your ability to take care of yourself. When you know you have the tools to care for yourself in times of pain, hurt, and disappointment, you are more willing to risk a deeper connection with others. 

This is a two-part journey: 

1. A Genuine Connection with Yourself: A genuine connection with others requires having a genuine connection with ourselves. We can't have one without the other. This means listening to your own needs, understanding your own values, and knowing that your feelings are valid. 

2. A Responsibility to Yourself: You always have a responsibility to yourself, even when you are deeply connected with others. This means maintaining your boundaries, honoring your needs, and knowing when to extend compassion to yourself. 

When you begin to build this internal confidence—the unwavering belief that you can handle whatever comes your way—you will find the courage to come out of hiding. You will stop needing to protect yourself with self-sabotage and will instead build relationships based on a solid foundation of self-trust and authenticity. 

If you are ready to stop holding yourself back and take the courageous step toward genuine connection, I invite you to reach out.