Discovering there has been cheating in a relationship can feel devastating. For many, this is considered the ultimate betrayal. Whether you are the betrayed partner or the offending partner, you may find yourself in shock, confused, and lost in how to move forward. Affairs often bring heightened emotions and a slew of unanswered questions.
While all circumstances are unique, this blog briefly overviews how to navigate life when there is cheating in your relationship. Here, you can find guidance through this challenging season in hopes of healing.
Why Do People Cheat
Exploring why people cheat is essential for processing and seeking understanding rather than justifying inappropriate behaviors. Through understanding, both the betrayed and the offending partner can individually or collectively make more informed decisions on how to move forward. To understand why people cheat, one has to understand the behaviors that cheating encompasses. In the act of cheating there will usually be displays of thrill-speaking behaviors such as lying, impulsivity, hiding, sneaking, or exploration. With such behaviors, cheating can be summed up as a form of coping or regulation. There can be a vast number of reasons requiring a person to cope or regulate, such as loneliness, insecurity, or boredom. Careful reflection and communication on this are essential for repairing the relationship if it is on the table.
The Impacts of Infidelity
The impacts of infidelity can be catastrophic for all parties involved. Infidelity can create a ripple effect of damage that no one could have predicted. While the impacts are endless, the aftermath of an affair can lead to some of the following:
Emotional pain
Broken trust
Decrease in self-esteem
Guilt/shame
Anger
Withdrawal/isolation
Shift in family dynamics
Anxiety
Depression
Grief
Family conflict
Professional decline
Financial loss
Healing When There is Cheating in a Relationship
Healing after an affair can be a long recovery. Regardless of the outcome of the relationship, the discovery of betrayal is a devastating blow in which there needs to be time and intentionality toward healing. Each partner needs time to grieve, process, and rebuild trust as a new norm is identified.
Grief
Anytime we have unmet expectations we can experience some degree of grief. Each partner will experience grief differently due to the different perspectives on what expectations have gone unmet. The betrayed partner, perhaps, will be experiencing grief in not having the expectation of honesty met. The offending partner may experience grief in the lack of connection if the betrayed partner pulls away. Each partner needs time to feel and process the shock, anger, confusion, and sadness that can come with grieving. This integrates with the next section.
Processing
Processing through your current experience is essential for avoiding additional injury. Before processing together, it could be beneficial to identify what communication will look like. There needs to be a balance between processing individually and as a couple. Additionally, consideration should be given to boundaries when communicating with others.
Processing Alone
Taking time to process individually is a good starting point. Starting with processing by yourself will allow you to regulate and then process how you want things to look moving forward without being too reactive. This will likely integrate with opening up communication with your partner or processing with your support system. Both partners must fully consider if they want to repair the relationship and to what degree.
The betrayed partner will want a space to process their thoughts unfiltered. Doing this through journaling or a neutral party such as a therapist, pastor, or mentor is recommended. Processing this with family or friends this early on could have harmful impacts in the future if you choose to stay in the relationship. During this time, you also want to process the information about the affair you need to know. While it may be reactionary to want to know everything after being in the dark, it may not be beneficial. Once something is seen or known, it cannot be undone. During this processing time don't feel pressured to decide about the future of the relationship. This will take time and you don't want this decision to be impulsive.
The offending partner will want to process the emotions and thoughts they are experiencing. This is a good time to learn or apply healthier coping strategies to regulate. During this time, you should thoughtfully consider what led to your indiscretion. This may be difficult to identify so this time can also be used to identify a plan to gain this understanding. Additionally, there has to be genuine, honest reflection on your desire, willingness, or capabilities to be in a monogamous relationship, specifically if this is a recurring instance in the current or relationship history. If it has yet to be decided, you will have to decide whether or not to end the relationship with the affair partner.
Processing Together
Once there has been some time to process separately, you may identify that you are ready to start processing together by opening up the lines of communication. As previously mentioned, there should be some expectation on what communication will look like to prevent additional injury. This will create an opportunity for transparency, which will be helpful for partners seeking to repair the relationship. Here are some possible expectations that may be set:
We will talk about this for 1 hour and take a break.
We will not talk about this between 9:00 pm and 7:00 am
If one person asks to take a break, we will take a 15-minute break and reconvene.
There will be no name-calling or yelling.
We will not talk about this with specific individuals.
During this processing time, you may identify new boundaries that will be put in place while exploring if the relationship will stay intact.
Processing with Others
As you have begun processing with your partner, you will want to work together to establish boundaries on who information is shared with and how much. Each individual must have their own separate support system outside of each other. However, it is equally important to set boundaries on what is shared with other people to protect the relationship should it be decided that there will be reconciliation.
Rebuilding Trust
Through all the processing that has taken place, both partners may start to notice a narrative that repeats in their minds. In an effort to stop the pain, partners may find themselves blaming themselves or feeling low self-worth. Rather than focusing on what your partner can do for you (betrayed partner) or what I can do for my partner (offending partner), there needs to be a focus on what I can do for myself. There may be the thought of "How did I let this happen?" or "How did I not notice?". This reveals not only the broken trust in the relationship but the self-doubt in your ability to trust yourself. When there is an emphasis on repairing the relationship without consideration for individual needs, this often leads couples back into the same cycle that led to the infidelity in the first place. While a decision will ultimately be made on whether to stay together or go separate ways, it does not change the need for internal trust to be rebuilt. Each individual has to take responsibility for tending to and nurturing their own pain to increase their confidence in managing disappointing outcomes and making decisions that consider themselves. Here are a few tips for rebuilding internal trust:
Identify self-care strategies
Set boundaries
Check-in with yourself
Acknowledge and process your emotions
Reflect on your intent before making decisions
Know your values and stand on them
Final Thoughts
Healing from infidelity can be a long process so it's important not to rush it. Give yourself time to deeply reflect and thoroughly process to increase confidence in your next steps. Always remember this is not something you have to go through alone. Seek professional support.
Comments